Ariana Newcomer

Healing the soul's voice

When toads come out of my mouth…

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As much work as I’ve done on myself and my ability to communicate with integrity, I still goof sometimes.

I did it with a dear friend the other day. I said something that really hurt her. I actually used a word I’ve never used in that context before. It was extreme hyperbole, and totally inappropriate.

I was stunned that it came out of my mouth, and BOY was I ashamed.

And irony of ironies – we were having a meeting about a retreat we’re doing on difficult communication.

I remembered the old tale where an uncivil little girl is cursed by a fairy to have toads & snakes come out of her mouth, while her civil and kind sister is given the gift of flowers and jewels.

We sat there, looking at the toad I had spoken, sitting in the middle of the room. I was squirming inside. My friend is a very accomplished communicator herself, and we worked it out pretty quickly.

But my shame didn’t go away for more than an hour. Continue Reading

Don’t Yell At Me!

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I remember last Thanksgiving at our family gathering. I got passionate about something, and a male family member kept interrupting me. I told him very firmly to stop, and he said, “Don’t yell at me.”

Now, if you’d ever heard me yell (remember, I used to be an opera singer), you’d know I wasn’t even close to yelling. I told him so, and he left the table.

He wanted to control the conversation, and when I wouldn’t let him, he accused me of yelling, and that was supposed to make me shut up. When that didn’t work, he took his football and left.

Most of you women have heard this MANY, MANY times in your lives when you weren’t even close to yelling. Some of you men may have been the ones saying, “Don’t yell at me,” when the woman wasn’t even close to yelling.Continue Reading

Sorry! Do Women Need To Stop Saying It?

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by Ariana Newcomer

We say it all the time.

A lot of the times we say “sorry,” it’s just a reflex, and not really needed. Sometimes it’s actually appropriate.

Do you know the difference?

I have a colleague who says it all the time, even when she’s doing what she’s supposed to be doing! She says it’s a thing the English do, and perhaps they do it more than Americans, but frankly, it’s a thing many WOMEN do all the time. How many times a day do you say “sorry?”

We grew up with our mothers saying it. We learned to be NICE and to please others. Part of being nice was learning to apologize all the time – for anything that made others uncomfortable, or might possibly make someone uncomfortable. We learned to take care of others first, and to apologize for taking care of ourselves.

We also tend to “talk down” or deprecate ourselves, rather than acknowledge our successes, to make others feel more comfortable. When someone compliments our dress, we say “Oh, this old thing?” or “Oh, yours is so much nicer.” When someone congratulates us, we say “I couldn’t have done it without help.”

Some self-deprecation, especially done with humor, DOES help make others feel comfortable, and can help us connect. But we can overdo it to the point where it becomes self-sabotaging.Continue Reading

3 Ways To Give Yourself A Raise By Empowering Your Boundaries

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Are you always thinking about how to help & support your clients? Of course! But are you helping or hurting? If you have trouble setting boundaries and sticking to them, you’re hurting your clients and yourself.

We can be afraid that setting boundaries will cut off opportunities, or make us the bad guy. Having clear boundaries and making sure you are taking care of yourself actually make you a better coach.

Here are 3 ways you can empower your boundaries and give yourself a raise by stopping your habit of giving away your time.Continue Reading