Zip It

May 19, 2015 by admin

by Ariana Newcomer

I’m an advocate for speaking up, speaking out, and being authentic.

That doesn’t mean I think you should spill whatever you’re thinking all the time, or that you should dump your feelings all over others indiscriminately.

To succeed in being truly heard and understood when you speak out, there are definitely times to zip your lip. Button it. Hit pause. Step away from the keyboard. Just don’t say anything.

I’m not talking about suppressing yourself, swallowing insults, silencing yourself forever. Nor am I talking about ignoring things. I’m talking about taking some time to pause, breathe, think.

It’s a temporary ZIP IT so you can succeed in truly communicating.

Instead of responding immediately to a flaming email, urgent phone call, or upsetting remark with your own flaming arrow, WAIT. Those flaming responses can end up costing a lot of time, and creating confusion and resentment. They don’t create true communication (they actually put barriers in the way of true communication). After them, you have to repair relationships, apologize. You often have to back-track, and clarify what you really meant to say.

Also, when we give those flaming or sarcastic responses, we’re automatically creating the same kind of response in the other person that they just created in us – irritation, frustration, anger and resistance – which equals NO COMMUNICATION.

No matter what awful thing somebody says, we have the opportunity to choose how we’re going to respond to it. That opportunity comes during the ZIP – the pause to breathe and think.Continue Reading

Sorry! Do Women Need To Stop Saying It?

March 19, 2015 by admin

by Ariana Newcomer

We say it all the time.

A lot of the times we say “sorry,” it’s just a reflex, and not really needed. Sometimes it’s actually appropriate.

Do you know the difference?

I have a colleague who says it all the time, even when she’s doing what she’s supposed to be doing! She says it’s a thing the English do, and perhaps they do it more than Americans, but frankly, it’s a thing many WOMEN do all the time. How many times a day do you say “sorry?”

We grew up with our mothers saying it. We learned to be NICE and to please others. Part of being nice was learning to apologize all the time – for anything that made others uncomfortable, or might possibly make someone uncomfortable. We learned to take care of others first, and to apologize for taking care of ourselves.

We also tend to “talk down” or deprecate ourselves, rather than acknowledge our successes, to make others feel more comfortable. When someone compliments our dress, we say “Oh, this old thing?” or “Oh, yours is so much nicer.” When someone congratulates us, we say “I couldn’t have done it without help.”

Some self-deprecation, especially done with humor, DOES help make others feel comfortable, and can help us connect. But we can overdo it to the point where it becomes self-sabotaging.Continue Reading

Your Voice In The World

February 11, 2015 by admin

We’ve just recently celebrated one of our country’s most extraordinary leaders, Martin Luther King, Jr. I’m proud to say that my Dad was on the famous march with MLK from Selma to Montgomery. He and several others went from our town in Connecticut to be part of one of the seminal events of their time.

My Dad was a minister and a charismatic, compelling speaker. My Mom worked for change by supporting my Dad, and by also being a passionate voice for change with us kids, her students, friends and her communities.

One of my parents’ gifts to me was this legacy of passionate engagement, of speaking up and speaking out for change. It’s natural to me to be a voice for change. That’s what I grew up with. When I got older, I was involved in protests against the Vietnam war.

I’m now speaking out for change in the way we run our world. I speak for true partnership between men and women, rather than domination of one over the other (traditionally male over female). I speak out for change in our economy so we can have a planet we can continue to live on.Continue Reading

‘Charge What You’re Worth’ – is it B**ST?

October 21, 2014 by admin

If you’ve been around me for a while, you’ve heard me talk about how to charge what you’re worth and get it. You may have heard the phrase “charge what you’re worth” in lots of other places, too. It’s a particularly juicy topic for women. We often over-deliver and under-charge, and can have a hard time raising our fees when we need to.

I re-read an article by Tad Hargrave on this recently, and it helped me clarify my thinking on the subject. The title? “Why ‘Charging What You’re Worth’ Is Bullshit.

It is, of course, a great title. As I read the article, what he’s calling into question is not so much charging appropriately (he acknowledges many coaches and entrepreneurs need to charge more), as the sense of entitlement some people develop about charging high fees, and the equating of one’s worth as a person with the fees they charge.
Continue Reading