by Ariana Newcomer

We say it all the time.

A lot of the times we say “sorry,” it’s just a reflex, and not really needed. Sometimes it’s actually appropriate.

Do you know the difference?

I have a colleague who says it all the time, even when she’s doing what she’s supposed to be doing! She says it’s a thing the English do, and perhaps they do it more than Americans, but frankly, it’s a thing many WOMEN do all the time. How many times a day do you say “sorry?”

We grew up with our mothers saying it. We learned to be NICE and to please others. Part of being nice was learning to apologize all the time – for anything that made others uncomfortable, or might possibly make someone uncomfortable. We learned to take care of others first, and to apologize for taking care of ourselves.

We also tend to “talk down” or deprecate ourselves, rather than acknowledge our successes, to make others feel more comfortable. When someone compliments our dress, we say “Oh, this old thing?” or “Oh, yours is so much nicer.” When someone congratulates us, we say “I couldn’t have done it without help.”

Some self-deprecation, especially done with humor, DOES help make others feel comfortable, and can help us connect. But we can overdo it to the point where it becomes self-sabotaging.

Some examples:

● We walk into another’s office and say, “Sorry, I just need some paper,” “Sorry, I just

wanted your input on this,” “Sorry, but would you do ____ for me?”

● When someone bumps into us, WE are the ones who say “sorry.”

● We say “sorry” for making someone upset, even if we had nothing to do with the cause.

● We apologize when someone inconveniences us, so THEY won’t feel bad.

● We say “sorry” for speaking our minds, and for sharing our feelings.

● We apologize for asking someone to do their job, or for asking for help. (I remember

when I was younger, I would spend ½ an hour looking for something in a store rather

than “bother” the people who worked there by asking for help. Now I know my time is

valuable and it’s part of their job to help me find things!)

● We say “sorry” for doing what was right and correct for us to do for ourselves.

● We apologize for asking someone to do something for us.

When you use “sorry” all the time where no apology is needed, you make yourself less than the person you are unnecessarily “sorry-ing” – less worthy, less important, less valuable. You reduce your self-esteem and self-confidence, and you reduce the other person’s belief in your worth.

For women in business, this is damaging to success. For coaches, it’s a killer. Coaching asks people to make changes in how they do things and in their mindset. People who are comfortable don’t change. So, as a coach, if you focus on making your client comfortable, you are failing them.

I read an article recently whose author says women should stop saying sorry altogether because we devalue ourselves by over-using it.

I’m not convinced we need to go that far, but I do believe we have to stop fake-apologizing and devaluing ourselves in order to make others feel OK.

Women’s abilities to connect, care, empathize, see underneath the surface, and take into account the needs and feelings of others are extremely valuable assets. I am NOT advocating that you stop doing these things. I want you to stop using “sorry” in a way that devalues you.

So, how do we communicate in a feminine way without making ourselves LESS? By speaking authentically from the heart, with the intention to connect, while standing in our own power and knowing our value. (I have wonderful exercises I do with my clients to shift them into that new paradigm, and my Voice Your Value™ VIP Day is designed to create that awesome transformation in one magical day.)

You are changing habits of a lifetime. Be patient with yourself.

Step #1: Awareness. Pay attention. Listen to yourself. Notice when you’re using “sorry” when no apology is necessary, or just to try to make someone comfortable.

Step #2: Use different language that creates connection and shows your care and concern WITHOUT making you less-than.

Some examples:

● Hi! Would you help me find the _________? Thank you so much!

● Thank you! I really love this dress. I love that color on you!

● Would you please give me your input on this? I appreciate it.

● I really don’t have time right now. Perhaps so-and-so can help you. Or – I can help you in

_____ minutes/hours.

● I’m feeling ______ right now, and I’d love it if you would just listen to me for a bit.

● Whoops! Careful! (said lightly with a smile when someone bumps you)

● Please get that report to me by _____. Thank you! I appreciate everything you do.

● When you do/say __________, I feel _________.

Use “sorry” for a true apology:

● I’m so sorry that happened to you! How can I support you?

● I’m really sorry that what I said hurt you. It wasn’t my intention.

● I’m sorry I’m late.

● I’m sorry I lost my temper. Let me tell you calmly how I feel.

● I’m so sorry I broke your vase! Can I replace it?

● I’m sorry to hear your dog died. It’s so hard to lose our beloved pets.

Do women need to stop saying sorry? No. Just use it when it’s for a real apology.

And absolutely NEVER apologize for responsibly speaking your mind, even if it makes some people – or even YOU – uncomfortable.

We need strong women’s voices more than ever. The times are calling us to speak up and speak out for feminine values and for change.

I’m calling you to own your value, step forward and speak up. And I’m not sorry.

I’d love to support you.
How well do you do at speaking in your authentic voice? Take my Authentic Voice Assessment and find out! It’s a wonderful tool that will help illuminate your gifts and unique challenges so you can Voice Your Value and speak for success!

Click here to receive my free gift!

==================================================================
Client Rave:  “Ariana, thank you for being my guiding light, my beam of hope for speaking with power, authority and confidence, and for helping me unblock my greatness. You are SO multi-talented, and I’d recommend you to everyone!” – Josephine Hanan

If you ‘d like to talk with me about the possibilities of working together, book a Voice Your Value Breakthrough Session! My treat. We’ll explore how to empower your voice and your financial decisions, pinpoint key money and voice blind spots, brainstorm opportunities for business and personal growth, so you can step into YOUR greatness.