by Ariana Newcomer
The news is almost uniformly bad. We feel like there’s never enough time. Traffic is terrible. We worry about money and our health. We worry about work and family. We worry about the planet.
We feel stressed. It feels like the world is stressful.
In truth, the world is just happening. The stress we feel comes from the inside. In an earlier article, Perspective Is Everything, I wrote about how we can shift the stories we tell ourselves (our perspective) about what happened so we can get out of the negative loop and move forward.
Perspective is key. But there is also a neurological reason for our tendency to focus on the negative.
Our brains are wired to pay more attention to things that are threatening, or MIGHT be threatening. It’s a survival mechanism that was very important to early humans.
These days, this brain function can be less than helpful, since many of the things we perceive as threats are not really life-threatening at all. Yet our brains and bodies react as though they were.
The good news is, we can change our brains! Neuroscience has realized that our brains are capable of learning and growing all throughout life. We can create new habits and pathways in our brains with the right input, delivered consistently over time.
I recommend the technique of “taking in the good,” from Rick Hanson’s book, “Hardwiring Happiness.”
Simply put, it’s paying attention to the good things that happen, and the feelings of enjoyment, peace, relaxation, pleasure, gladness, contentment and gratitude that we experience during the day. Hanson recommends that when we experience something positive, that we actually spend 30 seconds noticing, amplifying, and taking it in.
Most of the time, we let these positive experiences go without NOTICING and PAYING ATTENTION to them.
Our brain “settings” are either reactive or responsive. Our fear and stress response comes out of the reactive state of the brain. When we are in the responsive state, we are calm, focused, generous, centered and positive.
The deliberate act of noticing, paying attention to, and taking in the good things that happen actually re-wires our brains over time, so that we are more often in the responsive than reactive state.
The cool thing is – the responsive state is contagious! When we are coming from a responsive state, it helps bring others there, too. We’re less likely to provoke others. We feel centered, so it’s harder for others to provoke us.
Misunderstandings and conflicts can be successfully resolved from a responsive state. Challenges, confrontations and competition still occur, but they are handled from a foundation of empathy and goodwill.
When we are in a responsive state, we speak in a way that fosters true communication. When we speak from the reactive state, we often torpedo communication. (See my recent article, Zip It.)
Well, you say, I’ve been working on changing my habits of thought, and it’s really hard! You can give yourself a bit of a break, here. This has to do with the way your brain is used to functioning, and the neural structure those habits have created.
Hanson says: “You work hard to get something good going in your mind – some calming, happiness, or healing – and then a few hours later (or sooner, sadly), it’s as if it never happened. It’s like struggling to push a heavy stone uphill only to have it roll down again.”
“Unless you consciously take in a good experience, it usually washes through your brain like water through a sieve, leaving little good behind. (In the meantime, your bad experiences are being caught in the sieve by negatively biased implicit memory.) The experience felt good, but from the standpoint of building neural structure, it may as well not have happened.
“This is the central weakness in most formal programs of stress management, human resources training, character education for children, mindfulness or compassion training, coaching, psychotherapy, and drug and alcohol treatment.”
“With skill and effort, we create beneficial mental states. Each time that happens, it’s good in the moment. But in most cases, we don’t consistently and systematically take the extra seconds to install these experiences in the brain.”
It takes committed, conscious attention to change our brains to spend more time in the responsive state. Regularly look for positive thoughts, feelings, and experiences in your life, and take a few extra seconds to breathe that good into your body and brain.
- Take in thoughts that are true and useful, rather than untrue and harmful.
- Take in sensations of pleasure, relaxation, feeling alive, feeling strong.
- Take in feelings of gladness & gratitude to grow a mood of contentment.
- Take in positive feelings which lift your mood, opening you to more positive feelings.
- Notice and take in positive desires, such as wanting a glass of water when you’re thirsty.
- Register and take in the actions you want to support – making confident gestures, speaking firmly, getting things done.
Hanson suggests we use this process regularly, taking 30 seconds or more each time:
- Have Find a pleasant sensation that’s already present. Let go of other sensations or thoughts that might be uncomfortable and bring your attention to the pleasant sensation.
- Enrich Stay with the pleasant sensation. Explore it and keep your attention on it for 10, 20 or more seconds. Enjoy it. See if it can become fuller. Let the pleasure help keep the sensation going. Breathe deeply. Maybe smile a little.
- Absorb During step 2 and right after it, intend and sense that the pleasant sensation is sinking into your body and mind as you sink into it.
Doing this process regularly and consciously WILL re-wire your brain. You’ll speak from that centered, confident responsive state. You’ll love your life more and more. And that will be fabulous, won’t it?
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