by Ariana Newcomer

I’m an advocate for speaking up, speaking out, and being authentic.

That doesn’t mean I think you should spill whatever you’re thinking all the time, or that you should dump your feelings all over others indiscriminately.

To succeed in being truly heard and understood when you speak out, there are definitely times to zip your lip. Button it. Hit pause. Step away from the keyboard. Just don’t say anything.

I’m not talking about suppressing yourself, swallowing insults, silencing yourself forever. Nor am I talking about ignoring things. I’m talking about taking some time to pause, breathe, think.

It’s a temporary ZIP IT so you can succeed in truly communicating.

Instead of responding immediately to a flaming email, urgent phone call, or upsetting remark with your own flaming arrow, WAIT. Those flaming responses can end up costing a lot of time, and creating confusion and resentment. They don’t create true communication (they actually put barriers in the way of true communication). After them, you have to repair relationships, apologize. You often have to back-track, and clarify what you really meant to say.

Also, when we give those flaming or sarcastic responses, we’re automatically creating the same kind of response in the other person that they just created in us – irritation, frustration, anger and resistance – which equals NO COMMUNICATION.

No matter what awful thing somebody says, we have the opportunity to choose how we’re going to respond to it. That opportunity comes during the ZIP – the pause to breathe and think.

Wait to let your own reaction calm down. Wait to allow the other person to calm down. Wait to see how things pan out before reacting. Wait to get more information.

Take time to take the frustration and heat out of your response. Take time to consider the response that will create the best possible outcome.

When someone says something to you and you feel the ‘arrrgghh’ of irritation rise up, or feel yourself about to use that sarcastic voice for your response, ZIP. When that inner voice says, “Why should I be the one who has to be responsible?” Pause. (You’re the one who has to be responsible because you’re the one who’s conscious in this moment – it’s that simple.)

Sometimes you don’t even have to respond and it can be more powerful if you don’t. ZIP. You remember to breathe and you wait. It lets the air go out of it!

You’ve made a decision not to act, rather than to react. It’s different. The other person will often be surprised by your silence, which will move them to re-think their approach.

In her book, “The A to Z of Being Understood,” Kay White calls this “masterful inactivity.”

You are taking time to make a decision about how you’re going to respond, rather than shooting from the lip. You’re increasing the possibility of getting a positive outcome from the interaction, and saving yourself emotional energy, time, and potentially money in the process.

You may still decide you need to say something that might be uncomfortable because it’s really necessary. But you’ll be able to say it in a tone of voice and with words that can open the door to a positive resolution, rather than setting up a loop of resentful resistance.

While you’re zipping, breathe deeply into your belly to calm yourself down, and consider these questions:

• What might be going on for the other person that has nothing to do with me?
• What do I want the outcome of this interaction to be?
• What do I need to communicate to be in integrity with myself while having compassion for the other person?
• What words and tone of voice are going to be most helpful for me to use?

How can I create a win-win here?

Then, do the best you can in the moment.

When you don’t manage to zip in time (yes, you’re a human being), after you calm down, do what you need to do to repair the relationship. Don’t just leave the mess. (This does not mean you have to say the other person was right, nor do you have to abase yourself.)

Yep, I’m asking you to be responsible again. Even if you feel the other person should be doing the apologizing and repairing, you are responsible because you’re the one who’s conscious in this moment.

Usually, when you step up to begin the repair process, the other person will join you with relief and appreciation.

Mastering the art of zipping it when appropriate and choosing your response is useful in all our relationships – at home, at work, out in the community, with friends.

So, be on the lookout for opportunities to practice the masterful inactivity of zipping your lip. You’ll love the results.

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